As I am typing this, I am making a conscious effort not to turn my whole argument into a mindless rant against Hookup culture. I am even going to acknowledge its good sides, even if I am now sure that it is taking us millennials to a dead end.
For those who don’t know, Wikipedia describes the Hookup culture as “one that accepts and encourages casual sexual encounters as well as casual sexual relationships, one-night stands and other related activity, focusing on physical pleasure without necessarily including emotional bonding or long-term commitment.”
Pretty straightforward, but what this definition doesn’t say the most important thing: that it is ruining e-ve-ry-thing. Months after breaking up with my 2-year boyfriend, I decided to dive back in the dating pool. But I am in the US now, and that means I have to go by the rules. So I tried casual dating for the first time.
Flashback, 3 weeks ago: my friend is raving about this gooorgeous guy she met on Tinder, and convinces me to try the app. I resist for a while, and there I am, on a Friday night at 11:30PM, tindering away in the comfort of my bed (it’s not as creepy as it sounds, I promise). I have to say it is pretty fun to swipe (mostly) left and right, and kind of see if the guys you like like you too!
I ended up with a few matches – ballinnnn’ – that I brought down to 3 after a few days of severe filtering (topless pictures, sunglasses at night, you get it).
After texting back and forth, I have 3 date offers…on the same day!
Problem 1: wanting to “date around” and have options can be cool…and overwhelming.
After managing to see the 3 guys – on different days – I decide to focus on the one I liked best (I know that sounds awful, but hey…I’m a newbie to the dating game!)…and this is where it all goes downhill…and why I think Hookup culture isn’t taking us anywhere.
Problem 2: texting.
From where I’m from, if you like someone, you text them when you want to, they reply, and after getting to know the basics about each other, you move on to actual phone calls (remember those?) and lunch/dinner dates. Now that I am in the US, I’m surprised at how stressing it can be to like someone.
The day after the first date – and a kiss…don’t judge me – with the guy-I-liked-best (let’s call him Peter), I proceeded to ask my friend if it was okay to text him. “He didn’t text you first?? Noo, you have to let him text you first!”
Although it can be fun, this game gets exhausting: we stress about who texted first, because the person who does ends up being the person who cares more, and nobody wants to be that person no matter how strongly they feel about the other.
Problem 3: playing it cool.
After waiting for a full week, Peter* finally texts me something like “Hey what’s up?” and at this point I’m not even mad. I’m too busy trying to not sound needy, or too happy to finally hear from him. And after a weeklong, awkward back and forth of short, detached and casual messages, we set up a date for a second date. Note that by “set up”, I mean Peter* said “we should do it again sometime”, and I said yes.
Problem 4: playing it way too cool.
Date #2 never happened. Peter* had to work late, and notified me of this change of plans…the day after. In my book, it’s a red flag, but as I asked around, it seemed to be a normal thing. After all, we’re just casually dating.
Problem 5: post-hookup behavior.
Flash-forward, days later: we’ve been texting back and forth, we’re a bit more comfortable with each other, we even kissed, so I’m thinking “I LIKE YOU, like A LOT”, which I translate as: “I’m going to a party with some friends, wanna join?”
At the party, it is pretty clear to all my friends that Peter* is my date, and that we like each other, PDA and all.
Problem 6: getting closer that night didn’t change anything.
Present day: still exchanging short, detached, casual messages. Are you thinking “all this for that?” Yeah, me too (I actually stopped texting).
If I have learned something from this whole thing, it's that hookup culture can be a fun, carefree way to date around and have multiple options. After all, the early twenties are when we have the most fun and we get to explore and discover new things and new people. But I'm just not ready for the sporadic texting and the unsure dates.
