Unfaithful

Commitment is not easy, even when you know it's the better way. Temptation is everywhere, and it's powerful, and I was weak.

See, sometimes your head says no, but your body shouts yes, you give up, and you end up hating yourself but decide "it was only this one time"...until you do it again. I've been unfaithful, and I don't know if I really regret it to be honest.

I had promised myself to finally LOSE SOME WEIGHT and get fit, but my dad had to get home with a bag of croissants for breakfast. And I cheated. 1, 2, 3 croissants, the same day. I know, horrific.

Staying fit, I have to admit, is a challenge for me. I feel like a yo-yo, I go down a little, and before I've had a chance to celebrate, I go back up right away. I've tried diets, pills, exercise (kinda)...And yet, nothing.

Now mind you, I am a size 8 for tops and 10 for bottoms (I have big hips...) for a height of 5'7, and most people ask me why I want to lose weight. And this got me thinking: why do I even want to lose weight? I'm not that fat. I'm not fat at all. And I realized that I would look at skinny girls and think: "how cool, her thighs don't even touch." And it hit me: they (society) got me. Its unrealistic standard got to my brains and changed my judgement of what's beautiful, even though months ago I was writing about how stupid the thigh gap trend was. Now, I catch myself looking at the curves I was once proud of with regret. Yes, I admit it, I sometimes wish I was skinny.

Fashionistas will understand the deception I get when the clothes that I ordered online don't fall on my body the same way as on the website, and even if I know I am not that model, who is supposed to be skinny for the clothes to be visible in all their glory, I secretly get disappointed.

Is fashion and social media destroying our sense of self esteem? Everywhere I go - literally - all I hear about is "this new diet" and "that smoothie recipe." Some women I know don't even eat for pleasure anymore, and I am one of them. I beat myself up and feel guilty for eating a pastry - or two, and I don't know anymore if I am actually overweight, or if it's in my head, or a little bit of both. We keep writing articles about fashion and its unrealistic standards of beauty, but as far as I know, that standard is getting more and more popular, to the point where eating pizza for dinner is pretty much cheating on my body.

I do want to be healthy, and it's a person right to aspire to a certain shape and weight, but I think we should all stop and look at ourselves, naked, in a mirror, and be honest. Do we really need to drink kale juice for breakfast?